Life & Stuff, My Teenage Struggle

Craving affection

There is no doubt that at some point in our lives we want to feel loved whether it being by a friend, family member or by someone you have a romantic attraction to. We all want to feel a sense of appreciation and love. As humans we are wired to connect and being the social animals we are, it's only normal to desire companionship. As I'm off to university in September (excited af!) it was only right to watch loads of videos on people's uni experiences (yup I'm a loser). One of the topics which was mentioned in pretty much all of the videos was relationships. I'm not going to uni to seek for a potential partner or boyfriend, yet it doesn't defeat my craving for affection and just to feel wanted. The fact that I'm not prettiest girl doesn't bother me, I mean sometimes I hate how I look but why live a life calling yourself ugly when you can't change how you look? (I've been doing this for years, where's the self love Roxy?) It's a journey in itself to be able to accept and LOVE who you are and how you look. Not to the point of narcissism but to the point where you can look in the mirror and smile for once instead of tossing insults at yourself all the time. It would be nice for someone to give me attention, do all those things that make girls feel loved and just genuinely feel wanted by someone who has feelings for them. Maybe I feel this way because I feel lonely because for 18 years I've been completely fine without another person to giving me affection or showing that they love me, so why do I need that now?

Sometimes I fear that I will live alone, not find anyone who I can share my life with and be in love with. Being alone is cool, I love being alone however, to be alone for the rest of your life seems lonely. There's a part of me that doesn't see anything wrong with being single for a long time or even when you've reached your deathbed. I've had thoughts on it and dying alone doesn't seem that bad, I mean you come into this world alone, you're going to die alone right? Although I would much prefer to be married or in a relationship with someone when I reach this stage. Of course I have many years ahead of me to think about all of this and I'm aware that there are billions of people in the world, I just fear that I might never find my significant other half. I can't help but imagine my 'ideal' guy and the life I would want to have but what if, in reality, it's actually far from what I  imagined?

Due to health related issues I feel like this will hold me back from pursuing relationships and may be the reason why I stay celibate for a long time.  It's going to take me a lot of courage to explain my health related problems to someone and I'm honestly scared with how they will react. I guess if the person is right for you they will accept you for who you are and try to understand. If they don't, then that says a lot about the person and how they feel about you. Right now I'm going to enjoy being single, I'm still young and I don't need to get caught up in the whole idea of being in a relationship with someone right now. I'm better off focusing on myself and finding ways to grow, when I'm ready and the time is right I will find someone who deserves me as much as I deserve them. For now I will enjoy my independence, single-hood and my life for how it is.


– Roxy x


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