How are you my lovelies!
I hope you’re all doing well, I know I’m not posting as much as I used to, I’m very very shit. I’m sorry☹️☹️☹️ but you know, exam season and all. Ngl I still should have made time to post something but here I am. Talking about exam season, I know many of you have started your exams or going to start so I’m wishing you the very best of luck! Mine starts on Tuesday and there’s one side of me saying yes you can do this and there’s another part of me shitting bricks and needs another year to prepare. I mean I can’t wait to do them so I can get them over and done with, I need my life back😭 Remember all you can do is try your best. If you feel like you haven’t done well it’s not the end of the world. Even if you don’t get the grades you want (I mean I’d probably cry – all those bloody hours! But I’d get over it, eventually lol) It’s not going to define who you are or your life. Whatever happens, in the end you’ll be where you’re destined to be.
So the point of me writing this post is to speak about what’s been troubling me for a few years. I was reluctant to post this because it’s a really weird psychological condition and I’m going to sound crazy but I’m not writing it for myself. My intention is to spread awareness of limerence and the effects of it because boy, I have had a hard time dealing with it and as it happens involuntarily it will control your life. Well only if you let it. I want to reach out to people who are also experiencing it too. Surprisingly, many people are limerent and it wasn’t until last week that I came across the term which described me so perfectly. I couldn’t believe something like that could consume your life.
So what is limerence?
American psychologist, Dorothy Tennov, introduced the term Limerence.
Dr. Tennov’s Definition:
Limerence is a distinct state that creates that “feeling of being in love”— that state which Hollywood loves to portray as “love”… but limerence is really as far from the genuine article as a zircon is from a true diamond.
Here’s another definition I found from a limerence blog
Limerence – an involuntary state of mind which seems to result from a romantic attraction for another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one’s feelings reciprocated.
Limerence starts off with a growing interest in a person (known as the limerent object or “LO”), this interest increases more and more and you start to experiencing signs of Limerence such as:
- …Intrusive thinking about the “limerent object” (L.O.)
- …An intensity of feeling for the LO that leaves other concerns in the background
- …Acute longing for reciprocation
- …Occasional fleeting relief from unrequited limerence when vividly imagining some reciprocal action by the limerent object
- …Fear of rejection that leads to an unsettling shyness in the limerent object’s presence
- …Intensification of limerent feelings when rejected by the L.O.
- …Acute sensitivity to any act, thought, or condition on the part of the LO that could in any way, shape, or form be interpreted favorably
- …An extraordinary ability to devise or invent “reasonable” explanations to explain or imagine why even neutral actions by the LO are a sign of hidden passion in the LO
- …An aching in the chest when uncertainty is strong
- …Buoyancy (a feeling of walking on air) when reciprocation “seems” evident
- …A remarkable ability to emphasize any trait that is truly admirable in the limerent object
- …An equally remarkable ability to avoid dwelling on any possible negative trait … or even to render that negative into another positive attribute
So I’ll let explain to you guys some of my experiences being a limerent.
My most recent one, the one I’m dealing with now *sigh* started about 2/3 months ago. Physical attraction is a key factor in limerence and boy this guy was very, very good looking. The first time I saw him in the library I was crying (very embarrassing omg) I mean I didn’t burst into tears but I had tears rolling down my face. I spent 5 hours typing up notes for English and I lost ALL OF IT. I was so angry so I walked out of the study room to go to the toilet and cried. As I was walking to toilet there he was. As I walked past I felt a stare and I turned to my left and he was sitting down on his laptop staring at me. I turned away quickly because it was soooo embarrassing. When I came back from the toilet he was looking at me again and I gave him a glance and walked back. The more I saw him the more I was attracted to him – that’s when he became the limerent object (LO).
I remember one day I was sitting at a computer waiting for a seat and then someone left and there was one next to him. The excitement, the thrill and the way my heart started thumping. Yes, yes and yes!!!! I can be next to him!!! So I got my stuff and hurried over to the seat like a loser. I looked at his laptop and discovered the uni he went to, and believe it or not that uni is my firm (second) choice and as a limerent the only thing I could think of was fate. Is it fate? Did I pick the wrong uni? Should I have chosen my second choice? Yup it’s all a bit crazy.
Once he came over to my table because he was getting his charger from the guy next to me. I literally stared at him as he was walking past. Why was he so beautiful????? Either way he completely ignored me but he could definitely see that I was staring. Yeah that kinda hurt a bit but I didn’t care, I WANTED him. I told myself to stop feeling this way because the thoughts about him grew and I would imagine us together it gave me this sort of high which is why I couldn’t stop it. The LO stopped coming for a week and I was sad because I was thinking about getting his number – HA CRAZY!!!!!!!! Me? Asking for someone’s number? Yeah I definitely lost it. A week later he came back and I was sooo happy. During this time the intrusive thoughts increased and I fell for him deeper even though… I. Did. Not. Know. Him. I would do my work and involuntarily he would pop up into my mind. I would try so hard to block him out but it was impossible. During that week he could tell I liked him because I looked at him allllllll the time (very bad habit. I swear I didn’t mean to do it) he must have felt so uncomfortable, I wish I could tell him I’m sorry for that. In the week he came back, I felt like he was started to pay me attention. When you’re limerent you start to look for any signs of reciprocation. On Thursday in that week, when he was leaving the room I felt like he was staring over my shoulder, looking at my books. Maybe he wanted to see what I was studying? When I left the room and came back he was getting ready to leave. I promised myself I wouldn’t look at him but of course I did, I looked at him and he looked at me back – HEAVEN.
Friday was the last day I saw the LO (cries). Funny enough, that was the day I decided to make myself look nice, well I kinda dressed up ever since he came back to the library (sad, I know). When I walked into the room that day he stared at me. I could tell because I saw him from the corner of my eye as I was searching for a seat, he was looking at me. I looked at him and looked away and he turned back to his laptop. Why didn’t I smile??????? URGH! So I sat somewhere else in the library because the room was full but I couldn’t concentrate. I HAD to go back into that room. I-need-him-and-I’m-going-to-have-him —-> this obviously wasn’t true and didn’t happen. So when I went back to check if there was a seat there was one next to his friend, I got disappointed because he wasn’t in the room and I thought he left but I realised his stuff was still there. I told myself when he walks back into the room you will NOT stare at him and I actually didn’t. When he walked in I got that butterfly feeling in my stomach, my heart began to race. He’s was here. He looked at me but I didn’t look up, why didn’t I looked up????? Why didn’t I smile, why didn’t I do something????? In the end I left after 3 hours, without getting to speak to him or even knowing his name. Not knowing that would be the last time I would see him *sigh*. It’s been THREE WEEKS since I last saw him and I still think about him. I think about him so much more now despite his absence. I’ve made him up to be this perfect person in my head, given him all these traits that he probably doesn’t have. This has made it hard for me to let him go. It’s really really weird and I must sound very obsessive but hey that’s limerence and I’m a limerent. I still hope that I’ll see him again. Maybe next year during exam season, back in the the library. in fact I have a feeling I will but who knows.
The most intense one happened in sixth form. Oh gosh that was one rollercoaster. I think I’ll save that for another post and explain how it had a mental impact on me. There were days when I would feel depressed about the LO knowing that he doesn’t feel the same way or the constant thoughts which drove me mad and made me lose focus in class. It took me about a year and a bit to get over it.
It’s kinda scary because the effects of limerence varies – the fact that it can have a mental and physical impact is even scarier. Some people have it so bad that they can’t even sleep or eat. When I spent the night researching limerence when discovered it I read through people’s stories and came across some pretty interesting stuff. Although, the most striking thing that came across to me was that some people have been suffering from limerence for more than 50 years… even people in marriages have suffered to the extent that they had to admit to their SO (significant other) that they were obsessed with someone else. Can you imagine being in a marriage and the love of your life turns around and says “I keep having thoughts about someone else” thoughts which are based on the hope that the feelings will be reciprocated and on the image of them being with someone else. How could your SO deal with that? It would hurt them so bad. So I’m here wondering is it going to get worse? Will I ever heal from it? As I get older I’ll consider therapy, I mean I’m 18 so I could get it now because I want to heal myself from it because this could ruin my future relationships. Do you ever get healed? I don’t know, maybe you don’t but you’ll find a way to manage it. They say time is the biggest healer but according to Tennov when you experience limerence it can last between 18 months and 3 years. For some it can take decades.
Please take a read at this blogs for more information on limerence.