A fear for a life of loneliness

I’ve always been the one for independence. I hate relying on people and I would rather depend on myself to get things done and find my own happiness because when you have full dependence on other people and expect more than you should, it leads to disappointments. But when I think about life in the long term of course I want to find my ‘soulmate’, my other half whatever you want to call it. I can’t help but fear that no one will truly accept me. 

If I can’t love myself who really can? If I don’t love my body, my looks, who I am, then who will? 

I’m at the age where the majority of the people I know have had some sort of relationship or have been in more than one; many have found their first love. I can’t really relate to that, well yeah there was this boy I had a thing with but it didn’t last more than a month and we wasn’t actually going out – he probably didn’t like me that much tbh. Besides him, every other boy that I liked or showed interest in never felt the same way. The feelings were never mutual. Okay I haven’t liked that many guys in my life but for the ones that I have I didn’t even have to say anything, it was just clear that they wasn’t interested and I won’t lie to you. It hurts.

Particularly that boy I was infuatuated with for months. Oh God, that was the worst one. He had no idea how much I crushed on him, it was so bad. The fact that he probably knew and didn’t feel the same way made me feel so shitty. I noticed that this girl who was ten times more attractive liked him and I think they’re doing a thing now. As silly as it may sound, it really did make my heart sink. Especially when I heard him walk out the room I was in on the phone. It was clearly a girl. I’m kinda over it now I guess I mean nothing is going to change. I wanted to at least be friends with him because we spoke more towards the end of term but now it’s awkward again so I’ve given up.

But hey what can you do? You can’t force someone to feel the same as you and I’m aware of that. It’s just that my lack of experience in relationships seems to be catching up on me, I’m still young I know but next year I’ll be 18 and I wouldn’t be surprised if I was in the same position in the next 5 years ūüėā

I guess there’s a person out there for everyone but what if I never find that one person to share my life with, what if I never find ‘love’…?

– Roxy 

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