Trying to avoid unwanted emotions.

This could have been one hell of a negative post but I thought you know what, what’s the point? I’m gonna try to reduce the negativity as much as possible because that’s not who I am. I’m so tired of feeling this way I just want to be the normal me. The good old happy Roxy, of course I’m not gonna be happy all the time because I’m human but recently I’ve been feeling like crap there’s no denying it. I don’t know what it is but throughout this whole week there’s been a certain points in the day where my mood just drops and I hate it. On Wednesday, me admitting this honestly makes me feel so stupid, I literally ran to the toilets to cry. Why? I have no clue, I’m just so overwhelmed. Everything’s getting to me and the worst part of it all is that I feel like I have no one to talk to about it. People always say I’m here for you but there’s no point speaking to them. No one understands. No one will. When I walked back into the study room I just about pulled myself together and I was on the surface of crying again but I was trying so hard to fight back the tears but the words “Are you alright?” said by Jonathan got to me and I stupidly cried again. I HATE crying in front of people, I don’t like people seeing me in that state.

It’s so hard to cover your hidden emotions sometimes and force a smile. I don’t want self pity, I don’t want people asking me what’s wrong so I try my best to seem like I’m okay but deep down I’m not. I’m slowly breaking and I don’t know how much of it I can take any more. As usual, being amongst so many people yet feeling so alone. Everyone has their own groups in college and yeah I know the majority of my year but it’s not the same. During lunch I was with my friends and we was in the sixth formers room looking around. Everyone was happy. So why wasn’t I?

I’m still struggling to accept that things will NEVER be the same, it makes me unbelievably upset just thinking about it. I miss my friends, I miss the atmosphere I had in my secondary school, I miss the teachers, I miss the classes, the list can go on. I miss how I used to be. I wish things would go back to how they were, why can’t I go back to to year 7 and start everything all over? There’s so many things I would have done differently to prevent myself being in this position now but it’s too late. Behind me is where the past is and I can’t go back now.

Okay this is more negative than I thought but I don’t care, writing helps so I’ll write how I truly feel. I keep wondering the same thing, “How is it possible to have feelings for someone you barely know?”… At first, I kept shrugging it off. Stop being silly Roxy it’s just a little crush on a guy. But it’s not LITTLE, I finally come to the terms of the fact that it’s far from little because if it was little why am I so affected by every little thing he does. Why do I think about him all the time? It’s starting to annoy me because it’s so ridiculous and embarrassing. He thinks NOTHING of me, he’s not interested, you’re nothing to him so why can’t I just accept that? Why do I still like a guy that I don’t even want to like. How do you know he’s not interested? Oh trust me I know. I can’t talk to him, I haven’t got the courage to do that + I’m way too embarrassed because he knows that I like him. I’m so obvious even though I try not to be and fail pathetically, he knows, of course he knows. He actually makes me… upset? How on earth is that possible?! Pathetic I know. So what can I do now? Avoid him. I mean that’s what I’ve been trying to do anyway and then he magically appears which is so irritating. Ever since I smiled at him that’s all I’ve been trying to do, avoid him. Here’s me thinking things may be different this year, looks like I’ve been wrong so far.

Roxy xoxo

 

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