So last night I was speaking to my friend Sabrina, one of the realist girls I know from my secondary school, I loveeee her! She messaged me and we had a catch up, just finding out how we’re both doing and how we’re finding college. We’re pretty much both drained as I forgot to mention in my previous post that the work load is crazy when you get to college. It’s been a while since someone’s given me that sense of support and has actually said “You can do it Roxy”. We both said that through hard work we can both fulfil our potential and get really good grades. Obviously I’m not going to the extent of overkill where studying takes over my life but to the extent where I feel like I’ve done the best that I actually could have done. I’m preparing for my mocks in Jan and l’m hoping I’ll do well in the morning.
I asked her, “Do you know what you’re going to do in the future?”
She replied, “yup, Law. I have to do Law, me and my brother made a promise to my mum and my grandad before he died that we’ll both do law as he was a judge”
Then I said, “urgh it’s great you actually know what you want to do with your life and really sweet you and your bro made a promise to your grandad and mum. Sabrina I feel so lost, I gave no idea with what I want to do, whether I want to go to uni or anything I just don’t know anything”
Sabrina then made me realise that I don’t need to rush into finding a career, I have the whole of summer to think about it and I’ve literally just started sixth form and I should give myself a break (I always struggle with this).
Choices. Ones I gradually have to make even though I don’t want to because I feel scared for the future. Am I really ready to go into the “big wide world”? I mean I keep saying to myself I can’t wait to leave college and grow up but I don’t think I’m even ready to become an adult.
In addition to feeling lost about everything I lack the belief in myself that I wish I had or even certainty. Everyone has a dream, well maybe not everyone but I’m sure in each individual they have that one thing they have a passion for and something they can’t go without. My dream may seem like a cliche since a lot of people aspire to become a performer. I could just say a singer but I feel like a performer is better word. I don’t want to be the next Beyoncé because no one ever will be. But I want to be my own artist, have a unique sound instead of sounding similar to most of the artists in the music industry. Should I really follow my dream? I have no idea. In school I used to go music with Matt. He was one of the most talented individuals I knew, he was a self taught pianist and could literally play anything by ear. I used to do a lot of school performances with him, although my performances weren’t the best because I feel like the nerves always got the best of me. People used to come up to me and say “you should try out for xfactor” or “you’re really good”, even though I would honestly find it hard to believe when I feel like I’ve given a shit performance. I just don’t think I’m good enough to get there, the lack of support I get from my parents puts me off my dream even more but you’re not supposed to let other people determine your life choices aren’t you? I sing all the time, I just can’t help it’s something I love doing. Whether I purse it as a career or not is something I need to think about.
In economics today I was singing Prisoner by The Weeknd and Lana Del Ray and one of my friends Ben said next to me why didn’t you take up singing? I said “what?”as if I didn’t know what he meant but I did, he then he replied “you’re obviously not bad at singing and I don’t want to compliment you and say you’re good (he’s such a fool loool) People saying things like this give me hope and make me think that I could possibly make it and get my music heard. But the consistent doubts I have in my head overpower the slight bit of belief I have within myself…
Decisions are not easy, but at some point you’re going to have to make them.